Pro-Egalitarian

Clothes don't cause rape, rapists do!

The title of this post is Amanda Marcotte's words in Sluts, Walking (Bussel, 2012: 1-7) as she explains, to drive the point of 'SlutWalks' home. Mid-2011 several SlutWalks were held globally to counter Michael Sanguinetti's advice to women to avoid being raped by not "dressing like sluts". In contrast, women (should) have the right "to do what they want without being punished" (p. 3) through methods "of putting women in their place".

• Women do have the right (place) to "sexual playfulness in the public space" (p. 4)
• Women have the right to expect "If I am out on the town wearing a cute minidress, I expect that I'll get a lot of indifference, some men thinking I look good, some men thinking that I want to be attractive, some men thinking I enjoy feeling sexy, some men flirting--and some men thinking, 'I wouldn't wear those shoes with that dress'. I expect men to be. Happy they live in a world where people have fun and exude sexual enrgy, because I believe sex is pleasurable and good and that a little more sexual in energy in the world tends to improve the fun we have at home." (p. 5)
• Women have the right to expect that when a man thinks she is sexy, the man would not degrade and devalue her -- if he does, "he is the one who has forfeited his right to be treated with respect, not the woman he claims that provoked him" (p. 6).
• Women have the right to expect "when a man flouts the rules of morality and decency and harass or assaults a women" (p. 6), such as man is treated "like the raving douchebag he is, and bring criminal charges where applicable".

Marcotte concludes that "all SlutWalk is asking is that the same opportunities be offered to women" (p. 7).

Marcotte, M. 2012. Sluts, Walking. In Rachel Kramer Bussel (ed). 2012. Best sex writing 2012 -- the state of today's sexual culture. Berkley, CA: Cleis Press.

Attachments: Anxious - Avoidant - Secure

Attachment-type is considered a key to lasting equal relationships. Attachment theory, postulated by John Bowlby tested and further developed by Mary Ainsworth (née Salter) in the 1960-70ties, is enjoying renewed attention from Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their 2011 published book -- covers below, US (left) and UK (right) -- which is promoted as dating manual:

 

The picture directly below presents a very crude, yet gender-bias, snap shot of adult attachment. By identifying your type of attachment you can work on your relationships is believed.

 
There is a 30 item romantic-attachment-style quiz available online from About.com psychology.

Download Anxious_Avoidant_Secure_Fairlady_Oct2011_pp84-86

Wifework

is a lifetime undertaking of unpaid domestic labour, including cleaning, preparing meals, drudgery of child care … everything from tidying the underwear drawer to social life management. And if you want a career, wifework is second full-time job on top of any other paid employment.

During the past week I enjoyed reading Too Beautiful to Dance in which Diana Appleyard depicts Sara as wifeworker supreme, acting as hostess for her husband's fiftieth birthday—twenty six year of loyal services to Matt and their two daughters—Sara's entire life revolved round enabling Matt. During Matt's speech, his longstanding friend drop a bomb by adding to Matt's praise of Sara "… and a beautiful girlfriend".

The novel captures Sara's initial devastation and then her growth as independent woman.

Today, on the way back home, I found a book titled Wifework in a Coffee Shop—Heike's Place—at the Bergview Complex, on the N3, outside Harrismith.

The Loot review states that two-thirds to three-quarters of all divorces are now initiated by women. The inescapable conclusion is that women are more dissatisfied with marriage than men.

In Susan Maushart first marriage she was landed with all the cooking and cleaning and the marriage broke up. In her second marriage she thought she'd secured a 'new man' as well as a new baby but rapidly found herself playing out the same old script. When that relationship disintegrated, she became a single parent and was struck by the amazing amount of free time she suddenly possessed. It was obvious that the help that husbands provide nowhere near covers the amount of work they actually create! 'A resident man creates extra chores, more washing, higher standards for cooking and more organisation to suit his schedule.'

Sociologists have taken so long to discover 'wifework' because of the exceptional camouflage provided by 'love'. Two other factors have also hindered our recognition: men's willingness to be cared for and women's eagerness to collude in this set-up.

For women, becoming a wife still entails more responsibilities and more sheer hard work than it offers privileges or perks. Becoming a wife erode their mental health, reduce their leisure, decimate their libido, and increase the odds that they will be physically assaulted or murdered in your own home.

Chapter titles such as the following captured my attention:

• of marriage, metamorphosis and rotten eggs
• why do we do it to ourselves?
• rising expectations and diminishing returns
• mars and venus scrub the toilet
• and baby makes two and a half: the myth of shared parenting
• equality go bye-byes: parenthood and partnership
• giving, receiving … getting depressed
• not tonight darling: wifework and sex work
• sleeping with the enemy

I am looking forward to the read and will share my views in future posts.

Appleyard, Diana. 2007. Too beautiful to dance. London: Black Swan.

Maushart, Susan. 2003. Wifework — what marriage really means for women (Paperback edition). London: Bloomsbury.

Is equality about a united front?

"married couples act like buffalo; with their rear ends toward each other they present a united front against a wicked world" states Peter Høeg (2008: 165) in a most intriguing novel. The main character (Kasper) has the ability to hear extremely well; not just ordinary sounds, but emotions, energy traces, etc.—with which he then associates an appropriate musical key.

Society generally expects couples to have children. Kasper (p 89) equates childlessness with tragedy (G-minor) and perfectionism (A-major) which soften with age ("a person integrates the next higher musical key"). Later (p 284), he admits that "maybe I never believed I'd have enough stability to be able to offer a child".

I firmly believe couples should exercise a choice to have children or not have children. Having children is a life commitment, which if you are not up to you should not engage in.

Høeg Peter. 2008. The quiet girl. English translation of the Danish Den stille pige (2006). London: Vintage Books.

Spouses should tend one another

Reflecting, as equalist, on Na'ima Robert's 'ingredients for a successful Islamic marriage' (pp. 304-312) I do believe she offers good pointers:

1. Shared code of life

She emphasises (as devoted Muslim) the deen—an Arabic term (دين) meaning "way of life" or "code of life"—as the most important ingredient. A couple should respect the principles of each other's code of life—better still have a shared code of life. Both should act wisely and prioritise the other's needs. "There should be no lies, no deceit, no insults, no backbiting, no rudeness, no infidelity, no one-upmanship, no arrogance, no selfishness, no ungratefulness …" (p. 305). Spouses should tend one another—"to look after; watch over and care for". Spouses must give each other their rights and fulfil their respective responsibilities as agreed upon.

2. Appreciating one another

Gratitude should flow naturally from tending to one another. Robert refers (pp. 289 & 312) Covey's metaphor of an emotional bank account: loving moments, kind words and gestures, complementing, taking care, etc. are the equivalent of deposits into the bank account. However, arguments and being disappointed represent withdrawals. 

3. Communication

"Couples must talk to each other, share their feelings and resolve their differences openly and honestly" (p. 307).

4. Patience

Robert states "Like all things that bring great rewards, marriage has its tests. A couple will not always agree, will not always please each other and will encounter obstacles along the way. Patience is essential in such times to keep the marriage going and eventually work the problems out." (pp. 307-8)

5. Humility

Robert states "Both partners should recognise that they are not infallible and that humility is not a sign of weakness — it is a praiseworthy quality. Accepting criticism graciously leads to self-improvement and a mutually rewarding relationship." (p. 308)

6. Gentleness

Robert states "There is no place for harsh words, foul language, raised voices or violence in a successful marriage. If the husband and wife treat each other with tenderness and sensitivity, they will both feel secure and safe within the relationship. This will only increase the love between them and make it easier to deal with any problems they may encounter." (pp. 308-9) And if I may add, I believe the same applies to same sex spouses.

7. Each fulfilling her/his responsibilities

Robert states that "Not only is it sinful to neglect one's responsibilities but it leads to many marital problems. Among these are resentment, loss of respect for each other, quarrels and, very often, separation." and that "They should both make sure that they are fulfilling each other's needs sexually". (p. 310)

8. Keeping the home fires burning

Robert states that spouses "are encouraged to beautify themselves for each another and this has wonderful effect on the marriage" and add "Keep the passion alive by exchanging gifts, little notes, planning romantic meals á deux, even if they take place by candlelight on the living-room floor after the children are in bed. The key is finding time for each other, to flirt with each other and make each other feel wanted." (p. 310)

9. Mutual respect

Robert states that "One of the keys to a good marriage is respecting one another's personalities, character traits and opinions" (p. 310) — do not try to change your spouse (the notion of women created from a rib—if you try to straighten it, you would break it—a beautiful metaphor not to try to straighten a rib [ignoring the created-from controversy within feminism) or a banana. "Neither partner should belittle or insult the other as this leads to either loss of confidence or seething resentment. In a mutually respectful relationship, each partner feels valued and confident in their role within the marriage." (p. 311)

10. Having fun together

Robert concludes with "Never overlook the importance of having fun together, or doing little things to break the monotony of the daily grind" (p. 311) Make use of sex toys to spice up intimacy, etc.

[My sincere apologies to Na'ima Robert; for quoting her outside of the devoted Muslim context and extending her thoughts to same-sex relationships.]

Robert, N.B. 2005. From my sisters' lips. London: Bantam Books,

Comfort in Islam and her hijab and abayah

I've often empathised with women covered in black from head to toe with only eyes visible and therefore when I saw a book affording me a glimpse what it is like from behind the veil I bought it.

The name of the author Na'ima means comfort, happiness, benefit, tranquillity, peace. She takes her reader on her journey of embracing pure Islam (in contrast to cultural Muslimism). She surrendered what I felt young women should stand and strive for and choose to cover herself and make her body her own private space (p. 180) only to share with her husband. She opted to live according to the laws of Allah.

Her public attire became her covering, reminder of her commitment to Allah, her comforter, her shield against unwanted sexual advances, her liberator, and a symbol of her servitude (p. 226).

Contrary to misconceptions, a devoted Muslim woman has rights that are captured in a marriage contract. A women wishing to marry set conditions that her husband to be must agree to before marriage (p. 257).

Something I (obviously) found very encouraging is that "in the eyes of Allah, men and women are equal" (p. 261). However, although spiritually equal, men and women "fulfil different social functions in Islam and have different roles" (p. 262) — complementing each other:

In addition to the rights that every woman has under Islamic law, such as the right to her own property, wealth and legal identity, the rights of the wife include being treated well and having all her needs taken care of, being fed, clothed and housed as her husband feeds, clothes and houses himself. She has the right to a physical relationship and to have children. She is responsible for raising the children and running the household and, on the Day of Reckoning, she will be questioned by Allah about that. (p. 263)

I am of opinion that this entails conditional-equality. If two people are truly equal, they should be in the position to put all their expected roles on the table and decide through consensus as to who would do what. As circumstances changes, the allocation of functions, roles and duties may change by agreement.

Another aspect I find weird is the strict rules about separate gender interactions. The sisters gather and share, and so does the brothers. Because I am more domestically inclined, I have often find the talk of the brothers boring. Furthermore, Martie and I prefer to interact socially as a couple—not as individuals among our own gender—Martie often remarked that she find women-talk boring, because she is not domestically inclined.

What I do find refreshing about devoted Muslim is the study of Islam, the spiritual growth of persons (the knowledge of their deen). Having grown up in cultural Christianity, I many a time questioned the mere execution of rituals useless. I find aspects of the sisterhood very appealing and would treasure such camaraderie (but would not be accepted—it would not be halaal/lawful).

I sincerely value the insights gained from reading the book. Na'ima writes well and the naive idealism she portrays is refreshing.

Geri-active romance

Romance novels for graying baby boomers—hen lit—like their chick lit cousins, writers' heroines are hunting for love, but there are differences: the heroines got friends and family and work and obligations. Sex can still be spicy, but is subtler and more emotionally complex in hen lit, says Connie Brockway, the author of Skinny Dipping.

June Shaw, author of Relative Danger who writes romance novels featuring characters in their 40s, 50s, or even 60s, believes boomer women want to read romantic stories about older women who are finding love—and sex—later in life.

Similar to Nicole Kennedy, public relations coordinator for Romance Writers of America observation "As writers age, what interests them changes", I found that my interests about romantic literature changes as I age. My Google searches for more mature romance fiction have been quite interesting. Did you know that the term geriatric comes from Greek geron, meaning 'old man', and iatreia, meaning 'the treatment of disease', a somewhat derogatory notion? And that gerontology is the scientific study of the biological, psychological, and sociological phenomena associated with old age and aging.

Karyn Witmer (AKA Elizabeth Grayson) points out that for nearly five decades the needs and wants and whims of the Baby Boomers have driven consumerism in America. She emphasises that Baby Boomers have been raised since childhood believing that reading is good and believes that anything can be learned from books—a significant market to keep in mind, especially Baby Boomers entering retirement during this decade.

Karyn Witmer believes that books in the romance genre have mirrored the changing roles of women society. By the mid '80's heroines were super-moms juggling high-powered jobs, family concerns, and a new romance. As increasing numbers of women realised that the super-mom role model is exhausting there had been a return to domesticity, as well as fathers of the children taking on a significant role in child rearing—"Well, they're your kids, too!" women insisted to their significant and demanded that men handle their own share of child care.

Double digit wedding anniversary —celebrating endurance or happiness?

Elizabeth Gilbert (2010), in Committed—"a work of non-fiction" (p. 281), delve into the notion of marriage and shares her own cognitive and emotional struggles. She writes beautifully, weaving facts and findings into her personal journey. She addresses marital resilience (pp. 123-4), reveals her own anguish and draws a clear distinction between matrimonial endurance versus contentment (p. 148)—concluding that people celebrating long-lasting marriages did not necessary loved their spouses (p. 252) or experiences happiness, but love their principles instead and therefore endured while loathing their spouses. Much further along her journey she insightfully depicts the contradictions (pp. 251-3) of American [western] society, summarised in the table below.

Secular humanism	Fundamentalism
Sanctity of individuality Democracy Equality, fairness Personal liberty, erotic Scientific reason Intellectual freedom, debate Open-mindedness, exploratory & room for doubt Multiculturism Sophisticated	Clannish, ancestral, tribalism Patriarchal, authoritarian, obedience Moralistic, respect & justice Ritualistic & faith Vows inviolable, faithful Collective more important than the individual Instinctively suspicious of outsiders Clarity about good and evil, right or wrong God is on 'our' side

She concludes (p. 251) that the legal code is mostly humanistic, whereas the moral code is mostly fundamental—causing tension.

Elizabeth made peace with herself by choosing what they (she and Felipe, p. 254) want …

Gilbert, E. 2010. Committed. London: Bloomsbery.

Vasopressin receptor gene of the trustworthy male partner

Size matters: There is only one part of a man's anatomy that a woman should worry about measuring, namely the length of his vasopressin receptor gene, when considering him as a potential mate (Gilbert, 2010: 108).

The "Dads or Cads" theory among evolutionary scholars suggests that there are two kinds of men, those who father children—the promiscuous, and those who raise children—the monogamist, trustworthy and reliable partners, sticking with one spouse, raise children and lends stability to households. At DNA level there is a chemical variation, the scantly-vasopressin-receptor-gened men are prone to dalliance, disloyalty and to seeking sexual variety—spreading their sperm (Gilbert, 2010: 107).

Both Eat Play Love and Committed are well worth reading.

Gilbert, Elizabeth. 2010. Committed. London: Bloomsbury.

Not for sissies—derogatory

I developed a dislike, if not irritation, in the saying growing old / old age is not for sissies.

Arthur Gordon "Art" Linkletter (born 17 July 1912), a Canadian-American radio and television personality, wrote among several others Old Age is Not for Sissies (first published in 1988, ISBN 0670819220 and 0791714799).

The word sissy means "a timid or cowardly person; a little girl; an effeminate [having traits, tastes, habits, etc., traditionally considered feminine] boy or man". Also see the Urban dictionary and various translations.]

I find the statement rather arrogant and derogatory, because:

• Every phase of life has difficulties.
• People of all ages are subjected to most trying conditions.
• It implies masculine is stronger and the effeminate would not be able to cope with aging.

I recently spoke to a person of about seventy and remarked how lovely our holiday has been. He replied that retirement is one long holiday. Do not get me wrong, I am not implying that old age does not present challenges, I just cannot identify with the maxim.

When I did a search for the adage found a blog post starting with:

Some good friends, all met through blogging, are filling in for me while I take a two-week sabbatical from Time Goes By. Today's guest blogger is 79-year-old Chancy who blogs (avidly) at driftwood inspiration from Georgia where she was born and raised.

She has been married for 57 years, has three children and six grandchildren, four of whom, age 4 through 12, live nearby. "I was born to be a grandma," says Chancy, "and I am good at the job."

I also find the following post, which to my mind conveyed the opposite message to the author:

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old... How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentlem an, recently widowed, who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of brownies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.

When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semi-finals today."

"Oh, that's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies...."

"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"

"...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just run across the street and call on Granny Grady...."

"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."

I called my mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital... working in the gift shop. I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.

I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it.

I quizzed two teenagers about their views on who they believe have the more difficult circumstances. They were unanimous that it must be the teenagers; because they have to do as told and do not get paid for learning—whereas their parents bay what they want and get salaries for going to work. Within this response the ignorance is clearly evident. Similarly, the arrogance of people of age that claim "oud word is nie vir sissies nie" is equally evident.