Pro-Egalitarian

Clothes don't cause rape, rapists do!

The title of this post is Amanda Marcotte's words in Sluts, Walking (Bussel, 2012: 1-7) as she explains, to drive the point of 'SlutWalks' home. Mid-2011 several SlutWalks were held globally to counter Michael Sanguinetti's advice to women to avoid being raped by not "dressing like sluts". In contrast, women (should) have the right "to do what they want without being punished" (p. 3) through methods "of putting women in their place".

• Women do have the right (place) to "sexual playfulness in the public space" (p. 4)
• Women have the right to expect "If I am out on the town wearing a cute minidress, I expect that I'll get a lot of indifference, some men thinking I look good, some men thinking that I want to be attractive, some men thinking I enjoy feeling sexy, some men flirting--and some men thinking, 'I wouldn't wear those shoes with that dress'. I expect men to be. Happy they live in a world where people have fun and exude sexual enrgy, because I believe sex is pleasurable and good and that a little more sexual in energy in the world tends to improve the fun we have at home." (p. 5)
• Women have the right to expect that when a man thinks she is sexy, the man would not degrade and devalue her -- if he does, "he is the one who has forfeited his right to be treated with respect, not the woman he claims that provoked him" (p. 6).
• Women have the right to expect "when a man flouts the rules of morality and decency and harass or assaults a women" (p. 6), such as man is treated "like the raving douchebag he is, and bring criminal charges where applicable".

Marcotte concludes that "all SlutWalk is asking is that the same opportunities be offered to women" (p. 7).

Marcotte, M. 2012. Sluts, Walking. In Rachel Kramer Bussel (ed). 2012. Best sex writing 2012 -- the state of today's sexual culture. Berkley, CA: Cleis Press.

Spouses should tend one another

Reflecting, as equalist, on Na'ima Robert's 'ingredients for a successful Islamic marriage' (pp. 304-312) I do believe she offers good pointers:

1. Shared code of life

She emphasises (as devoted Muslim) the deen—an Arabic term (دين) meaning "way of life" or "code of life"—as the most important ingredient. A couple should respect the principles of each other's code of life—better still have a shared code of life. Both should act wisely and prioritise the other's needs. "There should be no lies, no deceit, no insults, no backbiting, no rudeness, no infidelity, no one-upmanship, no arrogance, no selfishness, no ungratefulness …" (p. 305). Spouses should tend one another—"to look after; watch over and care for". Spouses must give each other their rights and fulfil their respective responsibilities as agreed upon.

2. Appreciating one another

Gratitude should flow naturally from tending to one another. Robert refers (pp. 289 & 312) Covey's metaphor of an emotional bank account: loving moments, kind words and gestures, complementing, taking care, etc. are the equivalent of deposits into the bank account. However, arguments and being disappointed represent withdrawals. 

3. Communication

"Couples must talk to each other, share their feelings and resolve their differences openly and honestly" (p. 307).

4. Patience

Robert states "Like all things that bring great rewards, marriage has its tests. A couple will not always agree, will not always please each other and will encounter obstacles along the way. Patience is essential in such times to keep the marriage going and eventually work the problems out." (pp. 307-8)

5. Humility

Robert states "Both partners should recognise that they are not infallible and that humility is not a sign of weakness — it is a praiseworthy quality. Accepting criticism graciously leads to self-improvement and a mutually rewarding relationship." (p. 308)

6. Gentleness

Robert states "There is no place for harsh words, foul language, raised voices or violence in a successful marriage. If the husband and wife treat each other with tenderness and sensitivity, they will both feel secure and safe within the relationship. This will only increase the love between them and make it easier to deal with any problems they may encounter." (pp. 308-9) And if I may add, I believe the same applies to same sex spouses.

7. Each fulfilling her/his responsibilities

Robert states that "Not only is it sinful to neglect one's responsibilities but it leads to many marital problems. Among these are resentment, loss of respect for each other, quarrels and, very often, separation." and that "They should both make sure that they are fulfilling each other's needs sexually". (p. 310)

8. Keeping the home fires burning

Robert states that spouses "are encouraged to beautify themselves for each another and this has wonderful effect on the marriage" and add "Keep the passion alive by exchanging gifts, little notes, planning romantic meals á deux, even if they take place by candlelight on the living-room floor after the children are in bed. The key is finding time for each other, to flirt with each other and make each other feel wanted." (p. 310)

9. Mutual respect

Robert states that "One of the keys to a good marriage is respecting one another's personalities, character traits and opinions" (p. 310) — do not try to change your spouse (the notion of women created from a rib—if you try to straighten it, you would break it—a beautiful metaphor not to try to straighten a rib [ignoring the created-from controversy within feminism) or a banana. "Neither partner should belittle or insult the other as this leads to either loss of confidence or seething resentment. In a mutually respectful relationship, each partner feels valued and confident in their role within the marriage." (p. 311)

10. Having fun together

Robert concludes with "Never overlook the importance of having fun together, or doing little things to break the monotony of the daily grind" (p. 311) Make use of sex toys to spice up intimacy, etc.

[My sincere apologies to Na'ima Robert; for quoting her outside of the devoted Muslim context and extending her thoughts to same-sex relationships.]

Robert, N.B. 2005. From my sisters' lips. London: Bantam Books,

Isn’t waiting perpetuating male dominance?

Nikiwe Bikitsha writes delightfully in her column High Heels, in the Mail & Guardian (South African) of 23-29 October 2009, about dating, mating and dominance (Download Dating habits Nikiwe Bikitsha MG 23-29 Oct09). She skilfully compares the dating habits of urban 'animals' with the mating habits in the wild. Although I love the piece I cannot help thinking if girl-pride is not perpetuating male dominance?

Nikiwe brilliantly sketches the scene of a group of city women on a game drive observing a lioness in oestrus wanting to mate

The oestrus cycle in female mammals is a hormonally controlled, regularly repeated stages by which the body is prepared for reproduction. In anoestrus the female reproductive apparatus is inactive; in pro-oestrus it becomes active; and in oestrus ovulation usually occurs and the female becomes receptive to males. Unless fertilization occurs, oestrus gives way to anoestrus as the cycle repeats.

Nikiwe observes that the lioness has now option than to wait and asks the question: "which woman wants to be the hunter?" and then states "it's not attractive and offends our pride". What pride?—Isn't it just perpetuating male dominance. I am of opinion that feminism and ultimately equality is about changing ways of doing, changing rituals. My Martie asked me about 13 years ago to marry her and I am very glad she did.

Women love shoes - affair destroyed

What would you have done if this was your guy's new puppy?

An effective iBurst Internet - control your spent - advert attention grabber?

Many women love shoes. Some say that shoes make a women feel attractive and sexy. Madeleine Francis give ten reasons why women love shoes:

1. Variety - various purposes and outfits
2. Style - different situations and applications call for different styles
3. A good deal - it is difficult to walk away from a very nice pair of shoes, especially if marked off
4. Comfort - versus appearance: shoes to look good in can make feet really sore
5. Durability - a pair of good shoes can last a lifetime and shoes therefore accumulate
6. Trendy - unlike clothes that are seasonal, shoes last and make comebacks
7. Stability - a woman's body size may very, but her shoe size does not, with result when feeling really miserable about weight, new shoes help to feel better
8. Options - women like having choices and decide for themselves
9. Collections - just to admire and appreciate
10. Friendship - always there for her and would not tell her she gained weight

Provision of toilets for women

It never stops to amaze me how inadeqaute provision of toilets generally is for women. Queing is the order of the day in many instances.

I found a humourous article in the Mail & Guardian (SA) end of June 2009, which I meant to post, but it got misplaced among a pile of notes. Here it is:

Boys never grow up, their toys just get more expensive

... and girls never grow up, they just trade their colouring goodies for cosmetics