SynTAROTis

Self-compassion spread

Berating yourself for

• something you did,
• something you failed to do,
• something you thought, or
• something you feel you shouldn’t be,

is not very constructive. Research suggests that self-compassion is a gentle and effective way to deal with something you are ashamed of.

Self-compassion is being kind to yourself. It is not self-pity, it does not lead to narcissism, and it does not blind you to your faults. It does motivate you to improve yourself, and it does make you happier.

Dr Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, writes “it is a kind, connected, and clear-sighted way of relating to ourselves even in instances of failure, perceived inadequacy, and imperfection.” I have listed books and articles below if you should wish to know more about self-compassion.

If you feel you could do with some self-compassion (and we all do!), try this nine-card spread I created. It will help you move forward from a destructive mindset:

1. What am I ashamed of?
2. Why?
3. What am I directly responsible for?
4. What does it look like from a distance (time or space)?
5. What would a compassionate friend say to me?
6. What do I need to understand about myself?
7. What needs to happen for healing to start?
8. Instead of criticizing myself, I could ….
9. At this moment, I am ok.

Books

Germer, C.K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

Neff, K.D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, William Morrow.

Articles

Barnard, L.K. & Curry, J.F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, & interventions. Review of General Psychology, 15(4). 289-303. http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2011-24649-001/.

Breines, J.G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9). 1133-1143. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167212445599.

Hollis-Walker, L. & Colosimo, K. (2010). Mindfulness, self-compassion, and happiness in non-meditators: A theoretical and empirical examination. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(2). 222-227. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.09.033.

Leary, M.R., Tate, E., Adams, Claire E., Batts Allen, A., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(5). 887-904. http://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.92.5.887.

MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6). 545-552. http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S027273581200092X.

Neely, M.E., Schallert, D.L., Mohammed, S.S., Roberts, R.M., & Chen, Y-J. (2009) Self-kindness when facing stress: The role of self-compassion, goal regulation, and support in college students’ well-being. Motivation and Emotion, 33(1). 88-97. http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11031-008-9119-8.

Neff, K.D. (2011). Self-Compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1). 1–12. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x/full.

Shapira, L.B. & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5). 377-389. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17439760.2010.516763.

Thompson, B. L. & Waltz, J. (2008). Self-compassion and PTSD symptom severity. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 21(6). 556–558. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/jts.20374/full.

Van Dam, N., Sheppard, S.C., Forsyth, J.P., & Earleywine, M. (2011). Self-compassion is a better predictor than mindfulness of symptom severity and quality of life in mixed anxiety and depression. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 25(1). 123-130. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2010.08.011.

Zhang, J.W., & Chen, S. (2016). Self-compassion promotes personal improvement from regret experiences via acceptance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(2). 244-258. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167215623271.

Rewriting the past

Ever wished you could do something over? Erase a traumatic event, or obliterate that time you made such a fool of yourself?

Well, you can, in a way. You can retell the story and change how you feel about it, if not literally go back and change things.

Learning from past mistakes means that we must reach into our minds and drag those uncomfortable memories to light. Not play the memory over and over in our minds, but really look at it.

Something wonderful happens when you do that: the memory loses its sting, and you discover how much you have grown, and how deep the wisdom is that you acquired.

This spread¹ helps you look at an emotional event in an analytical way.

1. The event you want to reconsider. What really happened.
2. The consequences of that event; what went wrong, and is still not resolved.
3. Now we let the imagination draw a different picture. What could have been? What if … had happened? In your mind’s eye, replace the event in card 1 with whatever the third card calls up for you. How different would things have been? Is it a negative or positive event?
4. Moving back to the original event, what if your response to the event had been …? How would this alternative path have influenced the situation? What difference would it have made to the consequences of the event?
5. Lessons learned: What can you do differently if it happens again? What different path can you take? Is this the same as in card 4, or would you have done something completely different?

____________________________________
1. Thanks to my husband, Thomas (Learning in vivo), who helped me fine-tune the spread.

A broken relationship (Tarot spread)

Broken relationships are never fun, but you might as well get as much positive out of it that you can. This spread will help.

 

1. How did you view the relationship?
2. Why is it good the relationship ended?
3. What is the best part of yourself that you expressed in the relationship?
4. What have you learned about yourself that would influence the next relationship?
5. What (do you hope) would be different in your next relationship?

“Spread” your CV

Recently, my husband had to update his CV. In the process, he uncovered forgotten skills and experiences that would look good on a CV. His discovery sparked the notion of using a Tarot spread to fill out a CV. It would be particularly useful for people who want to restart or change a career, but do not have an up-to-date CV. He recommends:

If you have one or more old CVs, look through them to refresh your mind, then follow these steps.

Step 1: Recollection

As you were going through your previous CVs, did they jog your memory about any skills and experiences that would not necessarily be on a formal CV? Here we include activities such as courses, volunteering, part-time income-generating jobs, church and community activities that may not seem important for a CV. The one advantage you have over younger and fresher candidates is the experience you have accumulated over the years, in all areas of life, and this experience might just contain something that catches a recruiter’s eye. Furthermore, you may not have realised how much experience you have accumulated over the years. It might also suggest casting your net wider in your search for a job.

See how far you get brainstorming these items.

And, as usual, take notes. A good idea might be to mindmap your thoughts. This is a tool that can point out patterns that you might miss in sequential notes.

Step 2: Shuffle and draw

Now we’ll use Tarot cards to dig up what you have forgotten, and to explore your capabilities. Shuffle your deck and draw four cards. Place them face-down before you.

Step 3: Brainstorm

Turn over the first card. Which activities does the card suggest? Add them to your mindmap or notes.

What clichés, lyrics, metaphors, proverbs, or stories come up with this card? What activities do they suggest?

If the card is the middle of the story, what happened just before, and what will happen just after? What activities do these suggest?

Look at the items on your list or mindmap. What else do they suggest?

Brainstorm as many items as you can. Tarot cards are ambiguous, which means they can suggest a variety of stories and activities.

You can use the traditional interpretations of the card, but concentrate on everything the card’s image and keywords trigger.

Suppose you draw the Four of Wands. You might list celebrating, feasting, dancing, singing, playing, loafing at home, securing something, giving, leading, signalling, waving, meeting, organizing, worshipping, imagining your happy place, arriving, welcoming, having a reunion, visiting, receiving recognition, balancing work-life commitments, remembering joyful thoughts, counting your blessings, meeting a deadline …

Now answer the first question:

Card 1: What do I enjoy doing?

Turn over the next card.

Card 2: What have I learned?

Again, make a list or mindmap everything that comes to mind. Then continue with cards 3 and 4.

Card 3: My strengths and qualities

Card 4: My skills and abilities

When you have completed the spread, you can draw another four cards and repeat the exercise.

Step 4: Present your best self

From what you have gathered, revise or compose a CV that portrays you in the best possible light. Then take your CV and present it with confidence.

The shadier part

Let’s dig around in the shadow, shall we? 

1. What value or personality trait do you dislike?
2. Where, in your life, do you display this trait or value?
3. What does this mean to you?

A happiness spread

1. I remember … (a happy memory)
2. Right now, this would make me happy
3. Because …
4. I enjoy …
5. Because …
6. I love …
7. Because …
8. I like this about myself

Frustration spread

This one came at my husband’s request. He is dealing with many frustrations at the moment, and wanted a spread to explore them, including the reason why he becomes upset to the point of anxiety.

Frustration comes about when something in your environment blocks or exasperates you. However, when it upsets you so much that you become obsessed or anxious about it, it may help to explore reasons that lie within you. You may not be able to remove the frustration, but you might be able to remove some of the distress if you have more understanding of—and therefore control over—your reaction.

1. Describe the situation
2. Why does this upset you?
3. Go deeper: why does this upset you?
4. What can you do?
5. How can you make peace with the situation?

How did I get here? Tarot spread

This spread is for those times when you wonder: "How did I get here?" or “Where did I go wrong?”

The spread repeats questions, but from slightly different directions. (Compare positions 2 and 6, 2 and 8, and 3 and 9.) A key creativity principle is to approach a problem from different perspectives. You will find that, even if you think you have answered one question fully, it’s companion will evoke different ideas.

1. Where am I?
2. Why don’t I want to be here?
3. How do I get out of here?

    

4. Why am I here?
5. What contributed to my being here?
6. What will happen if I stay here?

    

7. Where do I want to be?
8. Why do I want to be there?
9. How do I get there?

Procrastination spread

January is a difficult month. After an enthusiastic start, often we find ourselves slowing down within the first two weeks of the month. And just as often, procrastinating on a task or goal.

How about a Tarot exercise as an excuse for not working?

Procrastination is common. Experts are still debating the reasons for procrastination, whether it is fear, lack of impulse control, perfectionism, disorganization, poor planning, or lack of motivation.

It is, however, always valuable to explore the emotion behind procrastination, so let’s go!

Procrastination can also be caused by adult attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Adults often don’t experience hyperactivity, but do suffer from an inability to focus long enough to complete a difficult or boring task. Procrastination can also be a sign of depression. Not everyone with depression feels sadness, but most suffer from low self-esteem, lack of motivation, and fatigue. If you suspect your procrastination stems from one of these causes, please have it checked out!)

1. How do I feel?
2. Why am I procrastinating?
3. What are the consequences of not completing the task?
4. How will I feel when I’ve completed the task?
5. What will happen when I’ve completed the task?
6. What will help me get started?

Why am I here? Tarot spread

 

1. Why am I here?
2. What strengths should I make use of?
3. What should I be learning?
4. What should I be teaching?
5. Who should I have in my life?
6. Where do I go from here?